Consumerist Relationships

How do we cultivate patience in a culture of productivity and marketplace? How do we cultivate gentleness in a culture of aggression? In any culture, we are shaped by things around us. This particular culture, a culture of marketplace and consumerism, forces people to act in their own self-interest. This, unfortunately, is the opposite of the biblical love which is always outwardly directed and never self-seeking. This consumerist frame of reference causes us to put a cost on everything (as well as a value judgment of cost/reward). We put a value and price on everything, including the people around us.

We are trained to view everything in terms of a contract, even relationships. If someone helps us out, we think "I owe you" or vice versa. And if the deal isn't kept up, the relationship might crumble. We "spend" our time with people if the "costs" outweigh the "benefits." We ask, if I "invest" in this relationship, will I get a good "return"? I "value" this person because of the "benefits" of our friendship. We speak in economical terms about our relationships. Every interaction becomes a transaction.

We might even ditch a relationship when it goes dry. We ask whether the time "spent" on a relationship is "worth" it, instead of considering the time that people deserve. "I don't think I'm getting anything out of this relationship, so I'm gonna cut this conversation short" or "I'm not gonna talk to this person much anymore."

We think of love as a commodity- we use it as money. We withhold it if we don't think it's deserved, or if we want to get someone to change into what we want them to be.

*Our job is not to change people; our job is to love people.*

When people walk away from us, they should feel that we like them. People are never an interruption. We must not allow ourselves to be pulled in other directions; we must schedule our time carefully so that the people around us know that our priority lies with them.

We must ask ourselves, "Am I loving this person, or am I just making a bunch of noise? Am I just a clanging cymbal?" We must not allow ourselves to think "I'm not getting much out of this relationship, so I don't value it or this person as much as other relationships and people."

Are we treating others with love, or are we just clanging cymbals?

(The Resident Director of my brother dorm, Matt Thompson, gave a fireside chat about how consumerism has affected the way that we think about, talk about, and view relationships. He delivered a challenging message that I just needed to spread around. These were my notes from the discussion.)