The crazy voices of loneliness

Shoot. Much has happened since my last post, including graduating from Cedarville, working as a site director for YouthWorks in Harrisburg, Pennsylvania, spending a semester in a graduate program (Master of Urban Planning) just to discover that it's not for me, and moving back home to work as a full-time nanny. It's a year and a half after graduating, and I'm finding that very few friends still keep in regular contact. I think this really supports the idea that your geographical community is very important; distance really makes a difference in the quality of friendships. I only have a couple of friends back home, and it can be lonely. Even for this introvert, the lack of interaction with those really good friends has tested me. Whatever physical place I put down roots, it must be a place where I can be an integral part of the community. The lonely places, the too-quiet places are dangerous because it is in those places that the voices of insecurity creep in. Now, I don't mean to suggest that solitude and silence aren't valuable; solitude and silence are absolutely necessary. But there is a major difference between being alone and being lonely. These last several months have required me to practice "overruling" the insecure voices that say "you're worthless" and "it's your fault that x, y, and z have happened to you." I'll accept responsibility where it's needed, but I'm talking about those situations that were completely out of my control. Today, I can gladly say that I've learned from being lonely and have grown in many ways. But I realize that loneliness isn't the same for everyone. Perhaps you can think of someone in your life who is experiencing loneliness. I challenge you to be a person in his or her life that challenges the crazy voices of loneliness.

Consumerist Relationships

How do we cultivate patience in a culture of productivity and marketplace? How do we cultivate gentleness in a culture of aggression? In any culture, we are shaped by things around us. This particular culture, a culture of marketplace and consumerism, forces people to act in their own self-interest. This, unfortunately, is the opposite of the biblical love which is always outwardly directed and never self-seeking. This consumerist frame of reference causes us to put a cost on everything (as well as a value judgment of cost/reward). We put a value and price on everything, including the people around us.

We are trained to view everything in terms of a contract, even relationships. If someone helps us out, we think "I owe you" or vice versa. And if the deal isn't kept up, the relationship might crumble. We "spend" our time with people if the "costs" outweigh the "benefits." We ask, if I "invest" in this relationship, will I get a good "return"? I "value" this person because of the "benefits" of our friendship. We speak in economical terms about our relationships. Every interaction becomes a transaction.

We might even ditch a relationship when it goes dry. We ask whether the time "spent" on a relationship is "worth" it, instead of considering the time that people deserve. "I don't think I'm getting anything out of this relationship, so I'm gonna cut this conversation short" or "I'm not gonna talk to this person much anymore."

We think of love as a commodity- we use it as money. We withhold it if we don't think it's deserved, or if we want to get someone to change into what we want them to be.

*Our job is not to change people; our job is to love people.*

When people walk away from us, they should feel that we like them. People are never an interruption. We must not allow ourselves to be pulled in other directions; we must schedule our time carefully so that the people around us know that our priority lies with them.

We must ask ourselves, "Am I loving this person, or am I just making a bunch of noise? Am I just a clanging cymbal?" We must not allow ourselves to think "I'm not getting much out of this relationship, so I don't value it or this person as much as other relationships and people."

Are we treating others with love, or are we just clanging cymbals?

(The Resident Director of my brother dorm, Matt Thompson, gave a fireside chat about how consumerism has affected the way that we think about, talk about, and view relationships. He delivered a challenging message that I just needed to spread around. These were my notes from the discussion.)

i am jonah.

"Marred though it may be, our world has not been abandoned but rather embraced by a God who saves us by refusing to leave the place where we are - by drawing closer, even, to our self-inflicted violence and suffering it on the cross."
- Jonathan Wilson-Hartgrove in The Wisdom of Stability

We must remember that God himself did not turn his back, but rather ran toward the heart of the problem. We might contrast this with the story of Jonah, who did not desire to see the Ninevites saved and ran away from his mission (and even when the people repented, Jonah continued in his self-absorbed disgruntledness).
"But Ninevah has more than a hundred and twenty thousand people who cannot tell their right hand from their left, and many cattle as well. Should I not be concerned about that great city?" (the last verse of Jonah, 4:11). Might I point out that God loves cows? Sorry, somebody had to say it.

So, how does this relate to me? Thanks to a dear role model, Marlena Graves, she helped me realize that I have in the past viewed my role at Cedarville University similarly to the way Jonah saw his place in Ninevah. Jonah was angry at the Lord's compassion on the Ninevites; he was greatly displeased and was angry enough to die. I wouldn't say that I've been quite in that mindset toward Cedarville, but I have not embraced the idea that the Lord wishes to show grace toward Cedarville and perhaps even has a place for me to contribute to the community there.

After many formative conversations and experiences over the past few months, I have come to view the upcoming year with hope and eager expectation. I'm not thrilled about returning to the vortex of studying and meetings, but I am excited about the opportunity to encourage growth in the community in which I am placed. While I am in that place, I must commit myself to it and its transformation into a place where Christ would seek to find rest. As I have found throughout my limited experience, growth is not often painless, but it is most certainly part of the Christian life.

So, let us hold each other accountable to being a committed part of the community in which we find ourselves. Let us live redemptively where we live and work and worship and eat. And let us teach each other to have compassion on each other (and cows).

our? mountain

swimming around in my head
back and forth
more and more chords begin to blend
into what seems like a beautiful song
in the corners, you find my sour notes
that keep me questioning, searching
this seems so right, but
am i climbing a volcano instead of a mountain?
is the peace out?
is the balance leaking?
where is my mountain?
will you climb it with me?

of mice and men

Let me not to the marriage of true minds
Admit impediments. Love is not love
Which alters when it alteration finds,
Or bends with the remover to remove:
O no! it is an ever-fixed mark
That looks on tempests and is never shaken;
It is the star to every wandering bark,
Whose worth's unknown, although his height be taken.
Love's not Time's fool, though rosy lips and cheeks
Within his bending sickle's compass come:
Love alters not with his brief hours and weeks,
But bears it out even to the edge of doom.
If this be error and upon me proved,
I never writ, nor no man ever loved.

Shakespeare, Sonnet 116

What a week. Many highs and many lows. Some great experiences of community, and some intense confrontation with the brokenness of other community. To my shame and humiliation in many respects, it has been a most self-absorbed week. My reluctance to share with others what's going on in my life has most certainly led to my isolation, as well as the inability of others to consider that my behaviors may have been instigated by current life circumstances. It's a lonely place to be in a community which has little knowledge of my struggles, but the transcience of this particular group does not lend itself to such sharing. It seems clear that I'm often ignorant of how my behaviors may affect others, just like Lennie Small from Steinbeck's Of Mice and Men. Hopefully, I will be able to rectify these shortfallings with the help of dedicated friends in order to avoid a similar fate.

On the other hand, this week has forced me to acknowledge several people whose friendship and grace with me have made me dearly treasure our time together. A visiting luna moth reminded me of my dear friend many miles away- her patience and unconditional love and kindness and honesty and so many other things encourage me and challenge me like no other has been able to achieve. The humble servitude of two particulars interns in a less than pleasant situation (to remain unnamed) truly shocked me. Few people I know would be willing to subject themselves to such an arduous task as these two have done for me. Twice. And a third time is coming up in a few days. Yet another friend was gracious enough to confront me gently and kindly about some regretful behavior. This friendship has challenged me and scared me and surprised me in many ways. It must be truly rare someone so like-minded and concerned about many of the same questions. These friends have demonstrated to me that "Love is not love which alters when it alteration finds." Rather, this love "bears it out even to the edge of doom."

Thank God for such friends.

Romans 12 is getting to me.

Just some tidbits from Romans 12 that have been driving me crazy over the past couple of weeks:

"Think of yourself with SOBER JUDGEMENT."

"Each member [of the body] BELONGS to all the others."

"Honor one another ABOVE yourselves."

To what extent are we living this? I have an idea of how well I'm living this, and it ain't good news. In addition to these passages, you've got those other ones that speak of being generous with all your possessions since they aren't actually yours in the first place, then you've got the Acts 2 and 4 church that shared all their possessions and gave to anyone as they had need.

Taking a look at my life, there's not much of this going on at all. Maybe I've been looking at myself with more sober judgement, but I don't live out the idea that I belong to other members of the body of Christ, and I rarely honor others above myself.

With some large-ish decisions coming up in my life and the lives of dear friends, can I challenge us all (myself included) to write these things on our hearts and factor them into our decisions? I've been seriously thinking about real, meaningful ways that we can/should/need to be doing this.

First, we gotta submit our decisions to the discernment and wisdom of our local church family in accordance with God's word. Our decisions should be for the edification of the whole, not self-preservation or self-advancement. Maybe the church thinks you would contribute to the body in a particular capacity and wants you to pursue a specific role. Is it crazy to think this way??

One thing I know I need to work on is simply closing my mouth. If it won't work for the edification of the church, then I must keep it to myself. I should be first to volunteer for the most despised chore; in fact, I should do it before anyone else has the chance to notice and then keep my mouth shut about it. As James says, the tongue is an all-consuming fire.

"Practice hospitality" (another verse from Romans 12). Invite people into your home, practice servanthood by opening your living room, cupboards, and hearts.

I've been throwing around some thoughts about common purse. Can't seem to decide what I think. I could use some comments on this one.

Anyway, I hope that gets some conversations started in your churches and maybe some thoughts to mull over in your minds. I know that's what's happening in my head (and all over the pages of my poor journal).

clear as mud.

Well, tomorrow marks the beginning of the second Mission Indy week. Although the week is chaotic, I appreciate the routine and organization of things. When everything in my mind seems as clear as mud, it's stabilizing to have some sense of order.

I think one of the reasons I love hanging out with kids so much is because they, also, don't have everything figured out, but they are much more at peace with it. They are spontaneous, joyful, bounce back quickly, and remind me not to dwell on the unknowns but to enjoy the present.

And one of the reasons I enjoy hanging out with older, wiser people is because they have all sorts of stories and experiences to share and contribute. They have valuable advice to offer, cautions and warnings, as well as the ability to laugh at the past. They have walked through all sorts of tough lessons and have come out of the other side to teach future generations.

Then one of the reasons I enjoy spending time with people my own age is because we can relate at a very real level. We often share similar experiences or concerns about life. We all face a crossroads of some sort and can understand what it's like to be stuck there.

So, I guess this brings me back to the importance of community. We need the young ones, we need the seasoned ones, and we need peers. We all have things to offer to each other, and we can all learn from each other. Brilliant.